Laughing at the not so distant past

Shapeset by Tim Fishlock

My husband was traveling (again) last week. So Friday night, after putting the kids to sleep, not having any company, I just went back to my most faithful friend during those lonely hours - the Internet.

I read some stuff (nothing worth sharing), did some shopping (always a pleasure when it doesn't involve entering a physical store) and re-read this post of mine. 

I don't know what exactly made me read it again. But, at the end, I was laughing at myself. Is just that so many things that I mentioned in that post have changed recently, that while I was reading it, it made me feel that it had been written years ago. Why don't I give you an update on the current situation? 

First of all, as from last Thursday, I don't own three strollers anymore. I sold one of them - actually the first I bought while F was still in my belly. As stupid as it may sound, it made me sad to see it go. Also, I'm starting to become one of those "nerdy" moms. I'm not sure "nerdy" would be the best term to describe me. Maybe, mom-too-concern-with-her-child-performance-at-school, would a better one, but way too long. It seems that F is a little bit behind at school, so I've been more and less forced to do some catch up at home with him. I now completely understand the "pity" look that the other mother gave me on the bus when I told her that I had forgotten about F's report. He may be doomed for life because of me (no matter what, I've discovered that it's always the mother's fault).

However, if I'm responsible on having such a bad influence on my child, I should also be very much capable to have a positive impact on his education. Therefore, I became very engaged on changing the situation. And I recently bought so many educational material to help F, that I'll probably write a post about them later. I'm actually surprised on how by making the whole learning process fun, the kids do learn incredibly fast and I'm glad we have access to all those support material. I wish I had done that before with F, but I thought I was paying the school for that. Apparently not enough... Anyway, one of my mottos in life is that there's always something good to learn/retain from any experience. And I became really interested on the alphabetization process done through phonetics. I'm currently waiting for a Jolly Phonics kit to arrive and then I'll give you all my impressions about it.

Boy, our summer will certainly be fun!

Educational Toy: The Responsibility chart

Lately, F has not been excelling in terms of obedience. So following the advice of a friend of mine, I decided to reward him for his wrongdoings with a "Responsibility chart". It consists of setting some simple goals for the child and try to make him responsible about achieving them. I don't really like giving "rewards", but if this is what it's going to take for F to start acting the way that I want him to, to be more responsible, then so be it. As adults, we usually work for money, so let him "earn" something if he cleans up his toys after playing with them.

We chose together some obligations for him (for instance: no whining, say "sorry", clean up toys, etc) and everyday he accomplishes them, he gets a magnet. If he manages to complete the whole board during the week, he'll receive a present (a DVD, for instance, that he's been asking for some time). If he completes a full line or more than one I'll treat him with something nice during the weekend (we still have to figure this one out, but probably an ice-cream or something like that). 

So far, I can already tell you that he won't complete de board this week. However, he's in good shape to have one or more full lines and he's starting to get a grasp of the game. 

Raising multicultural children

This week I read this article written by Martha M. Batalha, a Brazilian journalist who lives in New York and is pregnant of her first child. I’m terribly sorry for my non-Portuguese speaking readers, because the text is in Portuguese. But let me give you a small summary here. The article was written as a letter addressed to the author's son in which she shares her fears and frustrations on having to raise him in another country, far from home. Her worst fear of all is that her son will be so integrated to the American culture that he will be completely different from her and that that could tear them apart in the future. In the letter she makes references to a lot of things that were meaningful to her during her childhood in Rio de Janeiro. And what makes her sad is to realize how different her son's childhood will be from hers. Nonetheless, she hopes to be able to show him and make him understand the importance of where she comes from and therefore where he comes from as well.

I was moved by the letter and I could identify myself with the author in a lot of aspects. Not exactly in the exact same things that were important during her childhood, because I wasn’t raised in Rio, but while I was reading it I was able to make the connection with other things, sounds, places, perfumes, people that were important to me while I was growing up and that my kids will probably never know. In fact, the letter touched me so much that I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the last few days and I kept thinking on how I positioned myself on that particular subject.

The text brought back some dormant fears that I had during my first pregnancy. There were many. But most of them I can’t even recall now, which probably means they weren’t that important. Nonetheless, my worst fear of all was the language. I was afraid my children would speak to me in English (or in Portuguese when we moved to Brazil). I don’t have anything against those two languages. I’m fluent in both of them and I actually like them a lot. But they are simply not mine. I don’t think in Portuguese nor in English. Saying “I love you” in them would sound fake and getting angry would not sound as effective as in French - the language I speak with my children.

In my opinion, language is the biggest mark of a person and a culture. In my case I’m totally divided, given that I’m bilingual in French and Spanish. Depending on the situation I think in one or another. I speak only French with my parents, my husband and my kids, but with a lot of Spanish words here and there. I express my love to my kids with tender Spanish words and I also curse in Spanish – this is my latino side, it always sounds more poignant and dramatic. French is however more dominant in my daily life (Spanish is my sweetheart).

I’ve decided not to teach Spanish to my children. I thought that French, Portuguese and English were enough for their little brains for now. However, I sing to them in Spanish and I was amazed to see that they can actually understand and sing along. I know that they will not be Spanish speakers, but this is my way of transmitting a part of my culture to them. And you can bet they’ll know and carry some Uruguayan cultural traces as well. They'll know that the best meat comes from there (sorry Daddy) and they'll certainly know that the best dulce de leche is Lapataia. In fact, we are heading there for the Holidays and we’ll stay for almost a month. They will never be Uruguayan, but they’ll learn how to like the country, even if it is only through my eyes.

I sympathize with Martha when she says that her son will never experience the things she liked when she was young. However, for me this would always be a problem, given that I grew up in different countries. How could they live the same life as I did if we would stay in only country? I would love them to go each year to the market in Mexico City to choose their own piñatas as I used to do. Or go to Switzerland to celebrate L’éscalade by breaking a chocolate pot. Or spend their vacations visiting grandparents in France and Italy. Don’t even let me started on all the things they could be doing in Uruguay. And what about Brazil, where their father grew up? But I know that this is impossible.

However, I can teach them what my parents were able to teach me. Values. I can teach them to respect and appreciate each and every culture. I can teach them that they don’t necessarily need to agree with all aspects of a certain country and that they can actually take advantage of their diverse background to pick good things of all the cultures they are been exposed to and make one of their own. The one we are creating at home. We read in French, English and Portuguese. We watch DVDs in all three languages as well. A typical meal at home could include pasta (my Italian side), arroz e feijão (rice and beans, typical of Brazil) or crêpes (with Uruguayan dulce de leche of course). And this is normal. This is the way it has always been for me and this is what I want to pass on.

No culture is better than the other and no country is better than the other. I actually don't like when people start to become too nationalist. Probably because I can't understand what that means to love only one country, but also because it has always been at the root of any war. I believe that we can be happy and form a family anywhere in the World. Besides your kids could have completely different experiences than yours even if you stayed in one place all the time. Times have changed, the environment is different, and the parents of your children (you and your partner) are different than the ones you had. Education and values however should be the same. Our task is to guide our children. You can share the same culture as your fellow citizens, but you know that what will always prevail is what you were taught at home and the way you were raised. As parents of multicultural children, I believe that we have a quite challenging task ahead of us. Of course we want them to understand and respect where we and they come from. However, we have to be careful also not to alienate them from the local culture. We may not like everything, but we have to respect it.

When we moved back to Brazil, most of the people could not understand why I wanted so badly to come back to New York. Apartments are smaller, there is much less help than in Brazil and most importantly there is no family (I should also mention the winter). Agreed. It's not easy to be by yourself with two small kids and a husband away from home most of the time. But why wouldn't I want to come back to the only place in the world where for the first time in my life I didn't feel as a foreigner? For me New York is like a neutral place. People come from all over the world. Speaking more than one language at home is almost the norm. I love taking my kids to the playground and nobody looking at us because we speak French (the way people used to look at us when we were in Brazil, with that look in their faces meaning "strange"). I love that F's classroom looks like a small U.N. summit. I love that I'm not the only foreigner in my building or at my Pilates class. I love that even the Americans who live here are not necessarily from here. I love having friends from all over the world. And I love the idea that my children are exposed to all this diversity and are part of it. 

Home will be their safe-heaven as it has always been to me. As long as I can teach them my language, my values, what is important to me, to respect other people and their differences. As long as I can guide them throughout their childhood and why not even their adulthood. As long as I can provide them a safe place to evolve and become whatever they want to be. As long as they can understand that my roots are expanded all around the world and, therefore, theirs will be as well. Then I know they'll be fine. And I'll leave to their father the task of teaching them what it is to belong to one and only one place, because if it depends only on me they'll become citizens of the world. This is what I know and where I come from.

This is my own particular opinion on the subject, but I would love to hear your side of the story. How do you feel about raising children in a city/country that is not yours? What are the challenges you encounter? What about the positive side? And what about the people who are raising their children in their own country, how does it feel? Leave a comment and let’s start a constructive discussion. What do you think?

Thanksgiving weekend - bad "sharing" start

F and P "sharing" the iPad

My "weekend" started Tuesday afternoon. A few years ago I would be celebrating. Nowadays, with two young kids at home I'm cursing F's and P's schools. Did they really need to close a day before the actual Holiday? Isn't a 4-days weekend long enough?! Apparently not.

Having said that, I need to entertain my children for the next few days. Knowing that today, with almost everything closed, New York will be like a ghost city and tomorrow, with all the "Black Friday" sales going on, it could actually be dangerous to be on the streets, this is not going to be an easy task. Hopefully the sun will shine and brighten my mind to find exciting activities for them.

***

Since it was raining yesterday, we started by going to our local bookstore. We sat on the floor to read some books and P started playing with a lot of little books that had the shape of different cars and had wheels on them. He was happy and quiet, which made it very easy for me to read to F. But, suddenly, out of nowhere, this little girl arrives and starts to take P's books out of his hands (she wasn't aggressive or anything, just annoying). And the nanny, instead of taking her to play with something else (and teaching her not to bother other people), started saying to P that he had to learn how to share.

Well, you know what? I'm tired of this "sharing" thing among toddlers that is so important here in the U.S.! Why do children need to share everything? Besides, we were in a bookstore, where there were tons of other books! Why did she have to disrupt our peaceful moment? Because, of course, while she was there complaining that P wasn't sharing the books, I had to stop reading to F, as P was getting upset and started to cry.

It's not that I'm teaching my kids not to share, but I think the Americans overreact with this particular aspect and overuse the word "sharing". If we are at home, yes, the kids need to share their toys with their friends. If they are at school, they also need to share the toys or crayons with the other kids. However, if I take my kids to the park, for example, I don't understand why on earth they should be sharing their toys with other kids (they never met before) if they don't want to. I certainly don't want to "share" my cell phone when I'm at the park. And I would be really upset if I was reading a book in a bookstore and suddenly another person would take it out of my hands. So, why do we need to teach something to our kids that would obviously annoy us if we were in the same situation? 

Nonetheless, I'm like all the other mothers at the park, telling my kids to share everything. Taking toys out of their hands in the name of this glorious task of learning how to share. Even yesterday, although I was visibly annoyed by the nanny's attitude and I thought it was unfair towards P, I was telling him to share the books. Thankfully, she left after ten bad minutes.

 ***

We spent the rest of the day at home quietly. Actually, the kids stayed at home and I had the terrible idea to go grocery shopping. Here's my advice: never do that before a Holiday and, certainly, never take the subway during rush hour right before the Holiday.

I hope the rest of the weekend will be better than yesterday. I'm sorry if I'm not sounding very positive today, but I just had to get the "sharing" incident out of my system. Now I can move on. We finished the night ordering Chinese and watching "Carlos" (not very good and way too long).

I think I was just having a bad day and I had to "share" this with you :)

P not sharing anything, just thinking about his own shoes

Happy Thanksgiving!

Books of the week - the importance of reading to children

Last Sunday, I read this article on the NY Times written by Thomas L. Friedman. He explains how we, parents, can improve our children's education, instead of leaving the whole responsibility to the teachers. And one of the main point of the discussion is the importance of reading to our children. His arguments are backed up by some very interesting statistical data that show the correlation between the involvement of parents in their children's school life (as little as asking how their day was at school or what they are learning) with their children's future success not only as students but as individuals.

I read to my children since they were babies. Mainly because I enjoy it but also because I firmly believe that reading habits have to be introduced at an early age. I've always been surrounded by books myself and I want to teach my children to look at them as a source of pleasure and not as a burden or obligation. We read every night before bedtime and to my happiness, I see them sometimes sitting in their room (even my 2 year old) "reading" by themselves.

I don't read as much as I used to and certainly not as much as I should. However, I always carry a book with me. When I really like one, I usually can't stop reading it. But when I'm about to reach the end, I always feel very sad, because it means I'll have to say goodbye to the people (the characters) that had become my companions even for a short period of time. I can even find myself, days later, still thinking about them and even missing them. Weird, I know. But I love when this happens. The last book that really moved me this way was Never Let me Go, by Kazuo Ishiguro.

I'm very possessive with my books. I don't really like to borrow them and certainly not giving them away. Once I've read them , they are part of me. I like to see them in my bookshelf, even if the edition is not the best, because they always bring back some memories. They not only carry their story inside, but they also carry a moment of my life. A trip, a bad day, a success... Books can make you dream, reflect, feel sad, happy, angry. They affect you one way or another. You can love a book or hate it, but the minute you've decided to read it, you'll never feel indifferent about it. I've already read books in which I hated the main character, others that bored me to death, others that made me travel to distant lands or times. I still remember the excitment when I read "The Three Musketeers", by Alexandre Dumas, when I was young. This is what I want to pass on to my children.

I'm not a big fan of the e-readers. I don't own one right now, but I know that I'm running against the flow. I'm not against technology, I just want to resist to this specific one as long as I can. There is something about holding a book that you can't feel when holding your e-reader. Books are not all the same. Some are thicker, some are big, some are small, some have big characters, the texture of the pages may feel different, etc. They smell different too (I love to smell new books) and their are designed in different ways. All this is lost when you read an electronic version. Your e-reader is always the same. Suddenly the books all look the same. Of course, the content is more important than the cover and it is well known that you shouldn't be influenced by the cover of a book. But for me this is just impossible. I like pretty things and I like nice designs in everything. One thing comes with the other.

This is even more true when referring to children's book.

I was once taught that when reading to very yound kids, you don't need to stick on the wording or the order of the story. Talk about the pictures, ask them questions, make them guess what the story is about. In other words, keep them interested on the book by making them participate in the reading and helping them free their imagination.

***

 Here's a book that is kind of related to the subject: 

 Here's the version for the little ones:

 And this is the book that P. just chose to read before his naptime. It's hilarious.