If you live in the U.S., you have probably heard about this new book Bringing up Bébé: one American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, by Pamela Druckerman. Lately, it was very well publicized and is in the mouth of almost every mom around me. So, after the Tiger moms, here come the French moms as role models.
I bought it out of curiosity and just finished reading it. What I can say is that is very entertaining and well written. However what Pamela Druckerman presents as being rocket science for her, it appeared to me as being pretty much common sense. Maybe I'm more French than I thought, given that I recognized myself in many situations of the book and that I handle certain "problems" or educational matters in the same way that French mothers seem to handle them.
I don't think American mothers are bad mothers and I also don't think that Pamela Druckerman implies this in her book. I live in New York and I see mothers struggling with the same problems as any other mothers in the world and handling the situation as well as Europeans, Asians or South-Americans, to name a few. People often ask me if it was easier to take care of my kids while we were in Brazil, because of all the help we had there. I'm lucky enough to have someone to help me here in New York as well, but to tell you the truth, my life as a mother of two hasn't changed much. The problems are the same and the workload is the same. If a mother takes her role seriously, a mother is simply a mother, with all the responsibilities that this title comes with, no matter where she lives.
The main difference that I've noticed, and that I totally agree with Pamela, is the relationship that Americans have with good manners and with food compared to French people or even most of other cultures in the world. In France, eating well and having good manners is a very big deal (as is in my house). Whereas here in the U.S., I feel that food is just seen as a survival thing and good manners will come later in life. People don't necessarily eat for pleasure, but they eat because they have to and they end up having very bad eating habits. Also, children are easily forgiven bad behaviors because this is what they are, just children.
During my first year here, as a student, I was extremely shocked by seeing other students, as well as professors, eating during classes, or people eating while walking on the street. Later on, when I started working, I was actually disgusted by this habit of not having a proper lunch time. I just couldn't believe that all these well-educated persons with whom I was working, in a prestigious European bank, would eat lunch in front of their computers. Nowadays, I just don't agree with the way parents here educate their kids to eat. However, I understand that it is a cultural trace that I won't change and will never understand. At home we just do it the European way. The other day a friend of F was eating pasta with his hands (he completely ignored the fork that I had placed in front of him), so once he left, I simply explained to F that, in our house, this is not the way we like to eat and that I liked him to always eat with his fork, even at the other persons houses.
I think that American moms are maybe a little bit too nervous and overprotective with their children, but I've seen this in other places as well. Besides, I think that all cultures have their own neurosis. And, yes, people tend to overload kids with extracurricular activities, however (Pamela hasn't reached that stage yet), education in France is far from being stressless. I still remember the amount of workload we had over weekends, vacations, school days when I was studying at the French school. Not to mention the pressure that a lot of parents put on their kids to finish high school with honors, so that they can be accepted to the best prépas, so that, later on, they can go to one of the few prestigious Grandes Écoles. Otherwise, they are doomed for life.
I personally don't agree with Pamela when she says that French mothers are always calm and composed while educating their children. I think that, as any other mothers in this world, they have their bad moments. Actually, I don't remember my French friend's mothers (or teachers) as calm as they are described in the book. Maybe this has changed over the past 10 or 15 years (I have my doubts). I agree with her, though, that children are not the center of attention in France as they are here or in Latin America and that in France they are already seen as "persons" very early on, so they actually need to behave likewise. And I personally think that this makes sense. I've always been the first one to justify the bad behavior of my kids by saying that they are just children. Nonetheless, I know that this is the easy way out and that I should actually educate them not to behave like that (but, sometimes, mothers do get tired and need a break).
Finally, as it happens with many foreigners (myself totally included here), you end up absorbing some of the cultural traces of the place you live in. Out of my personal experience, what I noticed is that before having children, you don't necessarily need to live or do the same things as the locals. However, once you have children, you get more involved with the local culture (through other parents, at the playgrounds, birthday parties and mainly at school) and you start to make comparisons with your own culture. The good part is that you can actually choose what you think works fine for your family or not and teach that to your kids. F was born here in the U.S. and P in Brazil. I can truly say that I didn't do the same things with both of them. In part because when P was born I was a little bit more experienced as a mother, but mostly because I was living in different countries, with very different cultures.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, I liked the book because I thought it was entertaining and also interesting. While reading it, the impression that I had is that Pamela Druckerman wrote this book just to compare her culture to the one she has to deal with in her daily life (with the pros and cons). Yet, in some parts it feels like another "how to do it" book. I really don't think that American mothers are as bad as they appear to be lately. In fact, some of the most brilliant minds come from here, so they are definitely doing something very good. Apart from food (I think that the best restaurants are still in France), new ideas, revolutionary businesses or big scientific discoveries don't seem to come from France anymore. As a matter of fact, French culture is somewhat in decadence. What I do feel is that sometimes American mothers are too worry to see if they are following everything by the rule and forget to follow their gut feelings and to enjoy their kids while they are young.
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