To work or not to work

I would find it hard to believe that this question hasn't crossed the mind of every mother in our modern society. 

Some women need to work for a living, others because they praise their careers and are afraid of being left out of the market for too long, others because they may just not be satisfied by being only mothers and like the challenge of their jobs and others for all the reasons above. On the other hand, other women stay at home with the kids because they chose to or maybe because the household income simply wouldn't cover for the expenses related to childcare (being it a full-time nanny or a daycare). In any case, I believe that all reasons are valid and I'm in no position to judge any mother or her life-style here.

I worked until F was 1 year and a half. I liked it but there wasn't a single day that I wouldn't think about leaving my job to stay with him. In the descriptions I established above, I fitted in the "mother who praised her career and was afraid of being left out of the market". I thought I was too young to stop working (just turned 27 when F was born) and I had studied too hard just to hang all my diplomas and spend every afternoon in the park. But I suffered too much. When F turned one it hit me very hard, I felt I had missed everything that was important to me - spending time with him and watching him growing. Nonetheless, I still felt divided, because I wanted to build a career for myself...

Then came the decision to move back to Brazil and I got pregnant of my second child. I decided to take some time off. But I always had in mind, that after P would be 6 months old, I would go back to work. P turned one and I was still at home. In part because I couldn't find a job, but also because I wasn't really trying hard to find one. When we moved back to New York, I was lucky to be hired by the same bank I used to work for, with the same group, to do exactly the same thing. Unfortunately it didn't last.

The first weeks were hard because I had to be reacquainted with everything, especially the working space and rhythm. Imagine how hard it can be to stay in front of a Bloomberg screen for 10 hours, analyzing balance sheets and income statements after having spent two years changing diapers, singing children songs, playing with cubes, going to the park! That part was actually easy to overcome. But, the daily life away from the kids was just too hard for me. Not to mention that my husband works long hours, so I couldn't really rely on him. So, I decided to go back home.

I don't regret it. I enjoy and feel lucky of being able to spend this time with my kids. They actually do grow extremely fast and I would hate to miss their early childhood. I have a great admiration for the working mothers because I tried to be one and I just couldn't handle the challenge. However, there is this constant little voice telling me your kids will grow up and what will happen to you?

In addition to all my worries about working or not - and, I'm sorry, but I don't consider staying-at-home a work, especially when I see my sister who works full-time and takes care of her children with no help at home -, this morning F made a comment that left me so so sad. He told me that I should go back to work, so his nanny could give him breakfast like she used to do a few months ago while I was in the office. so, there is now this whole new question, banging in my head, that I had never asked myself before: will my grown up kids reprove my decision of having stayed with them? 

Big, huge, enormous *SIGH*.